Until...

Retirement Blog #1….

Until…

Who am I?

The grand goal for years has been retirement!

Not solely retirement, but retiring young enough to enjoy it!

So often I would think I can’t wait until…(retirement)   So I can…(do many many things)

Dan and I would talk about “it” a lot.  What exactly were we talking about?

The illusion that we could “hurry” time, “hurry” through our stress, “rush” our tough times, and feelings of work bondage. 

FOMO!!!  Fear of missing out as we watched friends, customers, family off enjoying outings, events, festivals, vacation, weekend chores while we worked.

Owning 2 bakeries meant working ourselves into comas each holiday, working weekends and long long hours.   So, the prospect of “RETIREMENT” was a prize to be gotten someday.

I now understand that not living presently in each day we create gaps in our life.  There is no way to guarantee our future ideas, goals, wants and fantasies in this case.

The only guarantee is the moment we are in…

I have achieved the big prize, it is confusing, different and not what I “expected or dreamed!”

I am a smart woman. I have made enormous changes in my life, attitudes, mental health and behavior, but I now find myself in a surreal space.

The “Until…”  is Here for me

I am thankful

I am lost

I am confused

I am sad

I am lazy

I am grieving…

Who am I?

I know how fortunate I am to be able to close my businesses because I wanted different for myself and Dan.  I do not have to get a job. I am thankful and fully understand the achievement in this.

I have never been good with even one day off that I didn’t have a plan, a list, tasks, chores, an outing…So to realize every day is whatever I want with no pressure leaves me lost. It was exciting and fun the first few weeks. I am thankful and embarrassed to be floundering within this opportunity.

I know I need a schedule, I am working on it, but I am also sabotaging myself regularly now.

I am confused on many levels…I have many ideas, plans, goals but am frozen.

I am often realizing I don’t know what day of the week it is.

I am confused at the combination of emotions, energy, and feelings I am experiencing. I really have been a good “manager/problem solver”.  Based on the healing and changes I have accomplished the last four years I am shocked I am unable to “manage” this life change confidently. 

I am sad. I still have some relationships in my life that need healing, but I cannot fix every single situation. Being ready to “accept” painful realities is proving tough, definitely adding a layer of sorrow.

I miss my daily grind at work, see I was so lucky to love my work. I had not realized how physical my daily job was, so maintaining the same body without that is not going to work.

I miss my customers and my trainer.

Lazy…..OOOooooffff!

 I have never been this sedentary. I have kept an early gym schedule, but I come home and have coffee and turn on the tv…so embarrassed to admit that I can spend a few hours waiting for Dan to rise, doing reels for PGF, and lounging. 

Most days I skip my walk unless I have a walk date with a friend. Deep down “old phoebe” is taking hold, telling me I am no longer worthy of energy… (Yep I know this is my problem and is self inflicted BS!)

A friend at the gym said this to me recently,

 “You are grieving…. ‘

We didn’t even take it any further, but it struck me….she is right!

Here I am, a grateful mess.

Who am I without my business?

Who am I without my busy schedule?

Who am I without my missing relationships?

Am I worthy of this opportunity to build a brand-new lifestyle?  Again?

I sure felt worthy as I dropped the weight and healed, you see, all that is in the book

that is written and stuck on my computer…this new thought has now hit me.

 Maybe this crazy stage is the last chapter for my book.

You see changing my whole life in my late 50’s and landing in retirement at 60 has been extraordinary and powerful.

But I am struggling, I am feeling not worthy and scared.

I still have a strong/fighter mindset in the gym still intact, I KNOW I will figure this out,

I will get it together.

I know being sedentary breeds doubt, depression, denial, shame and gloom. I have been here nightly after work for many years in the past!

I will not “stay here”, this is temporary!

Stay posted as I fight myself for the action packed, powerful next chapter!

phoebe